So, I know a lot of you have worse home lives and all, but I'm just gonna rant about mine. If anyone says for me to shut up because I don't have it as bad as them, I swear I will virtually choke you with the force. I have a family secret only a few of you know, and a lot I have not told because it could really fuck up my life if you live close to me or know me personally, etc.
My dad. My fucking dad. I hate him. I love him, but I hate him so fucking much. He's always telling us to stick up for ourselves (My brother and I). He wants us to be strong, independent people who know our way through the world and kick the ass of any problem.
HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN START DOING THAT IF WHEN I FIRST TRY TO STICK UP FOR MYSELF I GET YELLED AND AND ALMOST SMACKED FOR "TALKING BACK!?"
I am so sick of this fucking shit! I'm having a shit week already, and I didn't need my dad to yell at me for sticking up for myself when he started making fun of the Sharpie kitty my friend drew on my arm, saying it was a damn tattoo. I can't stick up for myself when my dad is inferring that I am going to be one of those gangster whores completely covered in tattoos, living on the streets because no one will hire me. All because what!? Because I have a DAMN SHARPIE KITTY ON MY FUCKING ARM. (I'm not taunting anyone who has (a) tattoo(s), I am just saying how my dad sees those people.) I simply say, "I'm not very amused by the fact that you're being rude, and I'll appreciate it if you didn't comment on my arm!" "JASMINE I AM YOUR FATHER AND I WILL COMMENT ON ANYTHING THAT I DAMN WELL PLEASE! I CAN COMMENT ON ANY PART OF YOUR BODY THAT I WANT AS LONG AS YOU LIVE UNDER MY FUCKING ROOF, CAPICHE!? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? ARE YOU A SKETCH PAD FOR YOU FRIENDS!?"
Oh, sorry, interrupted for dinner.
OH LOOKIE I GET YELLED AT FOR NOT WANTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING BREAD.
Oh, another interruption . . . .
OH I GET YELLED AT FOR APPARENTLY PUTTING THE KNIFES IN THE WRONG PLACES. I DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING WITH THE KNIVES!! IT ISN'T MY DAMN JOB TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN!!
A HUGE source of the issue with my dad is that he thinks that everything is beyond obvious. That if you don't understand one FUCKING thing, you're an automatic idiot. No doubt, THAT is part of why he doesn't understand when a fucking 15 YEAR OLD GIRL IS HAVING EMOTIONAL ISSUES.
Can I talk with him about problems?
HE IS NOT A GIRL WHO CAN RELATE. HE IS NOT ANYONE WHO CAN RELATE. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND SHIT. HE IS AN EMOTIONLESS TURD WHO THINKS HE CAN RELATE TO ME. HE THINKS THAT IF HE SAYS "I LOVE YOU" ENOUGH THAT EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OKAY. THE WORLD DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!!! HE THINKS HE KNOWS ME. HE CAN HARDLY REMEMBER HOW OLD I AM SOMETIMES.
He told me that I can come to him with my problems. He told me that I can tell him anything, and he won't get mad. What a load of fucking bullshit. The one time I confided with him, when I was having problems with my friend, he called me a piece of shit and yelled at me for almost and hour for using a word wrong while I was trying to tell him my problems. He wanted me to fucking apologize to HIM. I told him that my friend's mom was upset and pissed with me. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I USED THE WORDS RIGHT, I WAS TELLING HIM EVERYTHING ACCURATELY. HE PROMISED I COULD SAY ANYTHING AND HE WOULD NEVER GET MAD AT ME FOR WHAT I DID. HE TOLD ME HE WOULD GIVE ME ADVICE IF I NEEDED IT. I CAN'T TELL HIM MY FUCKING ISSUES BECAUSE I AM SCARED. I AM SCARED THAT HE WILL YELL AT ME, OR HIT ME, OR SOMETHING. I AM AFRAID BECAUSE HE IS A FUCKING RAGE MANIC.
CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE RIGHT NOW.
I am having the worst week right now, and it's only Tuesday.
I want my fucking mom.
Oh, look another problem. I CAN'T SEE HER BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING DIVORCED AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE SHE IS. I HAVE NO WAY TO FUCKING CONTACT HER.
Listening to: Downed ~ Cheap Trick
Reading: Romeo and Juliet; HP2CoS